Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Trigger Episodes

I just had what I call a "trigger episode" in Target, and I wanted to write this down before the feeling went away.  I call it a "trigger episode" because I see a grief-trigger, and my body responds physically.  I saw a woman, my age, standing in the entryway.  When she moved, I saw she had been perfectly blocking a stroller--a triplet stroller--full of newborns.  And here's what I felt, physically.

Heart palpitations
My heart sinking
Overwhelming sorrow
The urge to sob
The inability to sob
Weakness in my arms
Jelly-knees
The urge to sink to the floor and lie down
Flight instinct
Cracking voice
Heavy head
Overheating

When I saw her later, walking with her husband and babies, I literally looked at them, yanked my cart around (with Liv in it) and sped off in the other direction.  It's been twenty minutes since I got home and I'm still weak in the knees.  But I wanted to write this down quickly (haphazardly) while I knew I could accurately explain it.  Because sometimes I worry that people think this is all in my head. 

2 comments:

  1. I am so sorry and it's not fair. I can just feel the gut wrenching pain in your words. ((HUGS))

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  2. Debby, as always you are so supportive. Thanks, always.

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