Saturday, June 22, 2013


I just had the strangest experience.  For the third or fourth time.

Mike was gone for the afternoon, leaving me with the kiddos right around nap time.  He put Liv to bed in her room, and Matt was still asleep in his carseat from our outing to the park.  I settled in for some Saturday afternoon movie-watching. 

About half an hour into this restful break, Matt began to stir, and I prepped a bottle for his "second lunch".  I propped up the pillows just so, grabbed a burp cloth, and we both snuggled in for his feeding.  We sat there, both quite content, watching The King's Speech. 

The whole house was still.

I was pretty sucked into the movie until I realized how loud Colin Firth was screaming obscenities to overcome his stutter.  I quickly grabbed the remote to hush him. 

And then I realized...

I had not been worried about the noise bothering Matt.  He was awake, eating happily.  I hadn't been worried about Liv, either.  She could sleep through an air-raid siren. 

I was honestly worried the movie might wake up Carpenter.  I was concerned to the point that my eyes shot down to the baby swing to see if he had been disturbed. 

Obviously my conscious knows he's not sleeping in the baby swing.  I know the volume can't be too loud for his ears.  But a handful of times in the past two weeks, I've had a snap moment where it felt like he was right there, just like the other two.  Not just "there" like he could be in spirit.  "There" as in physically, alive, and needing me.  "There" as in I had to stop and count heads of living children to shock myself back into reality. 

Of course, these momentary scares (hopes?) make me wonder...

Was he there?


  1. Wow, that is powerful! It might be that you have Carpenter included with your family so that you think of him as there. Maybe he does visit you. James Collins, Jr. visited me once. He was dressed in his burial outfit with his booties on. He told me not to worry about him because he was with his Father in Heaven. I also feel his presence around me more than I do my daughter, Reita Gale. That bothers me. Annie, parenting a child that died is tough stuff. Anything is possible.

  2. Isn't it horrible the things we have to worry about? But beautiful the way our children speak to us. Our lives are much more complicated than anyone could imagine.

  3. Oh hun. It's so hard to have to continually remind ourselves that our babies are not physically with us. I still have moments where it hits me and it just seems so unnatural. Perhaps he was there and that's why all felt so calm. You weren't worrying because things felt right.

    All my love <3

  4. Just found your site through your Etsy page and I'm so glad I did.

    If your Carpenter was there, I'm so glad he feels welcomed and that he got to catch a great flick. I have lost two babies through miscarriage, Adonis McCloud and Sierra Cristina. I do not have any living babies yet. After we lost Adonis, I felt that he was there 3 times. I try to remind him that it is always okay to visit and they were always accompanied by a sense of peace. I have yet to feel Sierra Cristina's presence, but I sense that there is more to that than I know.

    1. Amanda, I'm so glad you found me! I love when our angels visit. How wonderful that Adonis visits you! I just know that Sierra will, too. Or perhaps already has. I'll bet they are always together, even when they come to see their mommy. Hugs to you!