9 Months Ago Today

Today is Monday, November 19th, and 9 months ago, my son Carpenter was born.  And it has been a long 9 months.  

I remember I wrote a post at 6 months, but for the life of me, I can't remember what I said.  I don't remember where I was exactly in my grief journey or how I was feeling.  But today, I just feel kind of numb.  

Actually, it's more than that.  And there's a really dorky explanation.  

Over the last few years, I have read the Twilight series five times.  Each time but the first, I have skipped New Moon.  I've always hated it, feeling like it was a chore to get through.  And yes, you may think that reading any of these books is a chore in itself, but I love them.  I love how they remind me of being a teenager, completely engulfed in my emotions, positive that my world would always revolve around the boy of the month.  So I read them, but I skip New Moon.  I can't even watch the movie.

But last week, I decided I really wanted to read it.  I wasn't sure why, but the idea just kept needling at me until I picked it up.  And I think I know why.

Over this last nine months, I have been living the same horror as Bella.

You see, New Moon is all about what happens to Bella after Edward leaves her life forever.  She describes the way she goes back to life, putting on the face she's supposed to wear for polite society.  She has almost no reminders of Edward left in her life, and that leaves her with a hole in her chest that burns whenever the few glimpses of her past crop up.  She goes far out of her way to try and fill that hole with whatever fabricated memories she can.

I wear that same face.  I have that same hole.  I long for the same memories to fill it up.

Most of the time, the hole aches with emptiness, but it's a dull ache that has receded into almost numbness.  I don't feel much anymore.  But then something will hit me, like a hot poker to the chest, and the hole will burn.  

It was a long weekend, and I'm very tired, and a lot of that is from the stabs and burns of being in a holiday setting.  

If only the next three months before his birthday didn't have to be holiday months.

At least I default back to numb.