Nightmare

I had a dream last night.  It was miserable.

In the dream, I was 24 weeks pregnant with M.  Something must have gone wrong, because I was in the hospital, and all of my family and friends were there.  Obviously I was freaking out, because I lost Carpenter at 24 weeks.  

Whatever was wrong with me, they had decided to induce me and deliver M.  They promised M would be fine.  At first, I was in a regular hospital room, surrounded by my family, and Mike and I were talking to the doctor.  He was asking me about Carpenter, and we said we could show him a picture.

Suddenly, a nurse said that wouldn't be necessary, and wheeled in a tiny bassinet.  Inside was our little boy, just like the day we delivered him--as if they had been keeping him in cold storage or something.  

Seeing Carpenter practically frozen, but otherwise as I remembered him, I was completely conflicted.  I was scared for him, wondering why they had kept him, but so excited to get to hold him once again.  Mike immediately pulled out his camera, and so did my cousin Laurin, and they both started snapping like paparazzi. 

Just as they started photographing, I was moved to another room.  They wheeled me through hallways and strange rooms, and finally through what seemed to be an operating room.  A man there rolled his eyes at me and huffed.  But we didn't stop there.  They wheeled me into the next room and left me there. 

I was alone in this room for while, wondering what was happening, when finally my mom and friend Emily were shown in.  We all sat in silence as the doctor hooked me up to a very technical-looking machine.  It turned out to be an ultrasound machine, but instead of seeing grainy black-and-white photos, I saw my little M, clear as if right beside me. 

Mike came in just as they turned on the ultrasound, and said that they had taken away Carpenter.  I prayed that he had gotten cute new photos, but he said the nurse had acted strange, and had said they could only put him in one pose, and take as many pictures as they wanted in that pose.  So, we basically had nothing new.

With that huge disappointment aside, the doctor flipped a switch, and suddenly we heard M's heartbeat.  The doctor walked us through what we were seeing on the ultrasound and told us that M was measuring big--3.2lbs!  We were all relieved to hear that.  But he also told us we still weren't able to determine gender. 

And that's when I woke up.

I woke up in a horrible panic, grabbing my stomach.  When I realized all was fine, I patted little M and promised that I would make more of an effort to connect--I would try not to be so numb and distant.  I have been a scared Mommy--and that has lead me to be a forgetting Mommy.  And I am so terribly sorry.  I will try to do better.