Thursday, March 21, 2013


I intended to write this post an hour ago when nap time started.  Of course, other things had to be done, and Mommy's alone-time took a far back seat.  Luckily I got some things ordered for the nursery...I guess.  Whatever.  

Anyway, as the title suggests, I've been totally lost lately.  I'm quite sure a few people have noticed.  Well, maybe not.  But I haven't written or tweeted or volunteered or generally been a part of a community at all in weeks.  And I'm not really sure what's going on here.  

Everyone will tell you that with grieving there are peaks and valleys.  For me, I never know I was in a valley until I start climbing out.  And about a week ago, I thought I was climbing.  But I never actually got out.  And the strangest part was that I was completely unaware of anything during that time.  

This most recent valley was (is) not a cry-fest, or a pity party, or anything I would have expected.  I've just cut myself off mentally and emotionally from everything.  (Nap time just ended.  Guess I'll have to hurry up or shut up.)  

But that's exactly it!  I've been so lost in the everyday, the mundane, the job of being mom, that I have not self-assessed in weeks.  I'm merely a robot, set to keep two kids alive.  Apparently my control panel has decided the third can fend for himself.  

And it's disgusting.  I've felt nothing for weeks, including sorrow.  The numbness, now that I'm aware of it, is almost painful and embarrassing.  I don't want to be this person.  I don't even know who I am right now.  I'm just here, absolutely forcing myself to type this, so there might be some type of record for me to look back on should this happen again.  

I have no idea what's happening.  I have no idea what to feel.  I am lost.


  1. Ah yeah, I am right there with you. This month has been full of nothing...I can't seem to get anything I want accomplished other than mothering the children through the day and that is a sad state too. I call it basic mothering...feed them some snacks, a few drinks, some cuddle time in mommys bed and then dinner. If I accomplish all of that all I want to do is sleep. Am I sick? No. Am I numb? I don't know. Is it that it's Jacob's Anniversary month? Maybe. I am just as lost as you my friend. I always chalk up these glob of days that seem to muddle together as a result of whatever it does to your brain when your child dies. Just the random yuck of it that creeps in without invitation or even my awareness sometimes. Wish we were not here but we are apparently together in the same boat. sigh.

    1. Wow. I should have had you write this post. You're right. Something happened to our brains, and we see the symptoms every once in a while. It tragically makes me feel so much better to know I'm not the only one going through this. I agree..."sigh."

  2. God I've been in this bubble a lot lately. You can tell from the lack of posts on my blog. But then Finley's birthday is in 2 days. That might have a lot to do with it. Self preservation. Trying to not be a burden on those around me since I'm not with my husband right now. I don't really know. But whatever it is, I feel as ashamed as you do. Big hugs sweetie

    1. Wow. I'm so in my own fog I hadn't noticed your fog. :-/ But I haven't forgotten Finley's birthday coming up. That's actually been something to focus on recently...trying to figure out what RAK I'll do. I hope the fog lifts for both of us soon... at least for now it's a protective fog. Hugs to you. You're in my prayers.