I intended to write this post an hour ago when nap time started. Of course, other things had to be done, and Mommy's alone-time took a far back seat. Luckily I got some things ordered for the nursery...I guess. Whatever.
Anyway, as the title suggests, I've been totally lost lately. I'm quite sure a few people have noticed. Well, maybe not. But I haven't written or tweeted or volunteered or generally been a part of a community at all in weeks. And I'm not really sure what's going on here.
Everyone will tell you that with grieving there are peaks and valleys. For me, I never know I was in a valley until I start climbing out. And about a week ago, I thought I was climbing. But I never actually got out. And the strangest part was that I was completely unaware of anything during that time.
This most recent valley was (is) not a cry-fest, or a pity party, or anything I would have expected. I've just cut myself off mentally and emotionally from everything. (Nap time just ended. Guess I'll have to hurry up or shut up.)
But that's exactly it! I've been so lost in the everyday, the mundane, the job of being mom, that I have not self-assessed in weeks. I'm merely a robot, set to keep two kids alive. Apparently my control panel has decided the third can fend for himself.
And it's disgusting. I've felt nothing for weeks, including sorrow. The numbness, now that I'm aware of it, is almost painful and embarrassing. I don't want to be this person. I don't even know who I am right now. I'm just here, absolutely forcing myself to type this, so there might be some type of record for me to look back on should this happen again.
I have no idea what's happening. I have no idea what to feel. I am lost.