Saturday, October 6, 2012

Day 6, Capturing My Grief

Day 6, What Not To Say

I will preface today's entry with sage words from Mike.  It's not that these words are intended to hurt.  They do come from a place of love.  And this exercise is not intended to hurt or embarrass.  It is merely a list of things that can hurt to hear.  I ask that you please don’t tell me...

Everything happens for a reason.  God has a plan. 

- I cannot believe God's great plan had anything to do with my son's death.  If so, I deserve an amazing explanation.

It was probably for the best.

- A baby dying is never a positive thing, in any capacity.  Ever. 

 He died to glorify God. 

- He could have glorified God plenty through a life of prayer and good deeds. 

 I know how you feel.   

- Unless you have lost a child in pregnancy, you do not know how I feel. 

You can always have another.

- I want my son.  No new sibling of his can possibly replace him.  He was an individual, and is loved and needed as such.

Now that you’re pregnant you can be happy now. 

- No new pregnancy will ever erase my son, my love for him, or my grief.

This baby’s going to be healthy. 

- You don't know that.  And since I know what can happen, I will be more realistic this time around.

Don’t worry, things will get better.  Time heals all wounds.

- Time does not heal all wounds.  In time, we will better incorporate our feelings and grief into our daily lives.  It will not go away. 

We just really want a boy.

- One in four of us just want a baby to have lived. 

He’s in a better place.  

- He would be just fine here in my arms.

You really shouldn’t cry all the time.  

- I don't choose to cry all the time.  It just happens.

I just can’t be around you anymore.

- Honestly, that's okay.  But don't tell me.  Your inability to deal with my grief does not help me.
Why won’t you hold my baby?

- I won't hold your baby for plenty of tragic reasons.  If you don't understand this, please just pretend.
When are you going to be over this?  

- I will never ever ever get over this.

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